Nunya

STRANGER: Did you break your arm or your leg

This was directed at Matt who was navigating stepping onto the curb with his caregiver, Gene. It’s doable, but not an easy feat. I was watching, critiquing in my head but trying not to backseat caregive. I was following behind with the wheelchair as we made our way to lunch. Our fridge has been broken for the last two weeks, so we’ve been eating out a lot. The stranger in question was a woman standing on the sidewalk, watching.

MATT: What?

STRANGER: Did you break your arm or your leg?

I didn’t hear what she said at first because I was focused on the task at hand. I couldn’t see her because we were in between cars and Matt and Gene were in front of me. I heard her say something and thought she might’ve offered to help. The second time she asked, I heard her. Matt, who was also very focused on the task at hand and who wasn’t expecting a HIPAA violation from a stranger, did not understand. I’m joking, I know that’s not how HIPAA works.

MATT: What?!

STRANGER: Did you break your 

I cut her off. I shouldn’t have said anything, she wasn’t even talking to me, but I’m protective of Matt. I thought the truth might shut her up and maybe shame her from asking any more invasive questions.

ME: He had a stroke.

STRANGER: Oh, he had a stroke.

Immediately after I said it, I felt bad. I didn’t need to take that tone, I didn’t know what this woman was going through. Then we were over the curb and helping Matt into his wheelchair. I finally got a look at the woman. She looked clean and put together. I was imagining she might be there asking for money. I was imagining she might be having a hard time and thirsting for human connection. But no, she seemed to be just passing by on her way to one of the stores in the strip mall. I don’t know, maybe she was having a hard time and thirsting for human connection. What I do know is I was having a hard time too, and I didn’t have more to give right then. Anyway, I didn’t need to worry about my tone, she didn’t seem to notice.

STRANGER: You know, he could have more strokes. The vaccine is causing people to have strokes.

I don’t know what to call the phenomenon of people explaining Matt’s medical issues to me. They bulldoze through without knowing that I, having spent nearly 24/7 with him since his stroke, am actually the leading expert on his personal medical issues. It’s like mansplaining but specifically for medical issues, “medsplaining”? I’m sure it comes from a place of care but it feels condescending and offensive. It’s like they see someone disabled and think “that person must’ve done something wrong, they must not know the things I know about having a body. Let me lend them my knowledge.” When really, like most things, it’s just a matter of luck. We will all eventually end up with some sort of disability, if we are lucky, the alternative is death. Anyway, people do this “medsplaining” to us all the time. Sometimes I can handle it gracefully, sometimes I break.

ME: I’m very well aware of his risk of further strokes.

I smile tightly at her, hoping she gets the hint. She does not.

STRANGER: Have you heard of [some supplement or other]

ME: We’ve had a lot of people recommend a lot of things, I’m not interested.

STRANGER: Well it’s, blah blah blah

I couldn’t hear what she was saying anymore because my heart was beating in my ears and I was seeing red and blurry, like I had low health in a video game.

ME: I’m not taking recommendations right now and it’s none of your business.

STRANGER: Blah blah blah

ME: It’s none of your business!

As we walked/rolled off I could hear her still talking to my back. She  was probably going through something, but so am I!

We got to the restaurant, put in our order at the counter and found a table. Matt smiled at me.

MATT: So, I didn’t understand. What set you off?

ME: I don’t like it when people feel entitled to information about you just because you are visibly disabled. It’s none of her business.

GENE: Yeah. It just wasn’t the time.

ME: Exactly! We were helping you up the curb and into your chair. And she wouldn’t take the hint.

MATT: Ok

ME: I’m sorry, did the way I spoke to her upset you?

Matt smiled big.

MATT: No, I loved it!

ME: Oh, ok. Well good then.

So what if right now everything’s wrong. If it makes him happy, it can’t be that bad.